Gretchen and Paige speak with Rene Hackney, PhD from Parenting Play Groups. Dr. Hackney shares the 3 basic skills that make it possible to discipline with love:
- “I” messages: Blaming the behavior, not the child,
- Empathy: Validating your children’s negative emotions, and
- Positive Intent: Finding a good reason for the bad behavior.
I think discipline is finding the combination that works for you and your child, which can be a pretty individual thing, but I agreed with most of what the Dr had to say. These were good tips but they also reminded me of how I see parents talking “at” their kids (with the best intentions). I agree with being empathic; I just don’t think most kids process ALL that language that well. Sometimes “not speaking” works better for me which I learned from RDI (for kids with autism) and also How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Let the kids fill in the spaces. Listening more than talking works for me. Too many words can get in the way — kids understand actions and they appreciate having a chance to “make it” better rather than promising to do better next time (like fixing the broken lamp together). I think that listening plus action plus teaming solves a lot of behavior problems.
Another thing I have learned by having a special needs kid that also worked well with the kids I used to have in my daycare was immediately finding an easy thing they can do that will make them feel successful right away (sometimes in a subtle way) so they don’t get stuck in this I’m a mischievous kid or I’m an-acting-out kid mode as soon as you have dealt with the discipline issue. In autism circles they call this “ending on a success.” For example, I had one kid in my daycare who was 9 and gifted and a real challenge, behaviorally, at times. One day he was giving me more problems than my child with autism and the two preschoolers put together. In exasperation, I said, A., my kitchen floor is a mess. I’m putting you on KP! He had never mopped a floor before. He did a pretty good job, considering. I praised his work and let him explain to me how he handled the tough parts (like mopping himself into a corner which I admitted to him that I had also done once or twice). He felt proud about his “achievement” and didn’t give me any more problems that day.
Discipline is a two-way street, however. You can’t expect your child to be “good” and end on a success if you push a child beyond his or her competency. So much of the problems I see with kids are because they’re tired, pushed too much, not listened or attended to sufficiently, or they’re just plain hungry or thirsty. You can’t take kids on tons of errands and expect perfect behavior, but a parent can and should stop shy of what they think is the child’s limit so that the child has a chance to “end on success.” I often think to myself, if I ever wonder “can he handle one more stop” or “can he go another 15 min. before lunch” the answer is prob. no. Better to stop while you’re ahead.
The last thing I will share that has worked well with my child since he was a toddler was holding up my fingers and saying “blow out the candles” (especially for public melt-downs). Once a kid blows hard three times, he usually starts to calm down. It is easy and they feel better.
how d i control my 3 year old. i will admit my husband and i spioled him and now w have 2 other kids. how would be the best way for us to show him that we wont spiole him but that we still love him even though we have 2 more kids.
wow! i wish i could be as calm as dr. hackney
@ Katrina- I was thinking that exact same thing the whole time.